Dirty Little Secret
by Epic Laughter
Summary: Doc Patchingo would never admit it, but Dastardos really gets to him sometimes.
1. Chapter 1

It was a slow day.

Doc Patchingo blew a lock of his blonde bangs out of his eyes only to have it flop right back to where it was before. He was seated at his desk, one hand on his Alert System and the other on the side of his mask.

It was almost never a slow day for him. There was always a piñata that needed healing, people that needed check-ups, or a wound that needed stitching. Seedos hadn't even stopped by to complain about a head injury! Patch honestly wasn't sure what to do with himself.

_What do other people do during their spare time?_ Patch mused. _I can't remember the last time I had so much free time during the day; I usually spend my time off sleeping…_

Patch loved sleeping. It had become such a luxury to him that he treasured every last second of rest that he was able to get. There was no way he could nap now, though; he'd feel guilty for sleeping during his work hours! What if someone needed his help?

Patch's Alert System began playing a lively tune as if responding to his desperation for something to do. He gasped happily and answered it, not even bothering to check who was calling him.

"Hello, you've r-reached D-Doctor Patchingo's office! H-how can I help you?" He said in the most charming manner he could manage despite his stuttering problem.

"O-oh good, this is the right number…" Patch recognized the voice as a new local gardener named Leena, who stuttered just as much as he did. "S-sorry to bother you, Doctor, but my Squazzil is sick and I…um…need some help…" Doc Patchingo could hear her chewing on a nail.

"Oh, it's no b-bother at all! It's my job!" Patch grinned and rose to his feet. "D-don't worry. I'll be at your g-garden in no time!" He grabbed his medical kit and headed for the garage.

"Oh, um…one more thing…" Leena's voice suddenly grew soft and squeaky, like a nervous Mousemallow.

"What might that b-be?" Doctor Patchingo's tone was still cheerful as he walked along with a skip in his step. He was really happy to actually have something to do other than sit on his butt and wait for calls.

"I-I just got back from the shopping in the Village and I was there for a while…" Leena sighed. "So…I have no clue…um…how long my Squazzil has been sick…so please hurry…I d-don't want you to have to deal with-"

"Say no more, Leena," Doc Patch's stutter disappeared and he adopted a serious, confident tone. "It won't come to that. Just sit tight, I'll be right there."

Doctor Patchingo stabbed the End Call button when Leena was in the middle of thanking him. He finished his trek through the clinic to his tiny garage and took off in his little car, nearly running over Lottie when he burst onto the road. She dove out of the way and let out a shriek so loud that Doctor Patchingo's siren nearly shattered.

"S-s-sorry!" he called over his shoulder at her before turning to focus on the road, speeding up quite a bit. He always saw Leena with that Squazzil on her shoulder. He could tell that she loved it a lot just by the way she looked at it.

_God damn it!_ Patch thought as he slammed a fist onto the steering wheel. _I am not letting that bastard take another piñata away from a loving gardener!_


	2. Chapter 2

Patch pulled into Leena's garden mere seconds later, practically launching himself out of his idling car, med kit in hand. She was kneeling next to her Squazzil, which had lost most of its color and was letting out soft, weak squeaking sounds. Leena's lower lip was quivering and the corners of her eyes were pricked with unshed tears.

Patch reeled backwards; the look on her face stabbed him in the heart. Leena was just a kid, she wouldn't be able to cope well with the loss of a piñata! He _had_ to help. He scurried over to Leena and smiled down at her. "D-d-don't worry! I'm here!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" she breathed, scooting backwards so Doc Patch could get a better look at the patient.

"This shouldn't take long at all…" Doc Patch reached into his medical kit and pulled out a bottle of medicine. He poured some into a spoon and the Squazzil lapped it up instantly. Its confetti slowly restored to its usual bright, healthy green and it squeaked happily.

"Thank you, Doctor!" Leena beamed at him as her Squazzil leapt into her arms. Leena laughed joyously and gave her piñata an enormous hug.

Doc Patch didn't respond. He looked off into the distance, a blank expression on his face. "Um…Doctor?" Leena tugged on one of his sleeves in a vain attempt to get his attention. Patch's brow crinkled, but he still said nothing.

"Well, well, well…" an unsettling voice floated through the air from the outskirts of the garden. "Looks like you beat me this time, blondie. That's rare."

Leena gasped and turned her head towards the voice, confirming her dreadful suspicion about who it belonged to. Dastardos was gliding into the garden, a wide grin on his mask. There was nothing friendly about that smile; that was the kind of smile that a psycho would wear as he chopped up his neighbor's kids.

"Go home!" Doctor Patch's voice evened out at the presence of his rival. His hands balled into fists and his posture became rigid as he defended himself. "I already healed the piñata; you have no reason to be here!"

"What, I can't congratulate you?" Dastardos chuckled as he floated closer. Leena let out a tiny "eep!" and ran to hide behind a tree, tightly clutching her Squazzil to her chest.

"Your idea of 'congratulating someone' is usually a smack in the head!" Patch took a step back, wanting to distance himself from the reaper.

Dastardos tsk-tsked and floated upwards until he was at Patch's eye level. "Why do you jump to conclusions like that?" Dastardos floated closer to Patch –too close!– and let out another low chuckle. Patch glared right into Dastardos' twisted eyes, his face reddening. "After all, out of all the doctors I've tangled with, you're the one who beats me the least!" Dastardos said condescendingly as he gave Patch a hard jab in the chest with The Whacking Stick.

Patch flinched from the blow. "I-I'm not the only d-doctor you fight with?" Patch felt his knees go weak as he kept eye contact with Dastardos. Usually Patch was very good at keeping his composure around his foe, but being this damn close to Dastardos would make even the bravest of men uneasy. From a distance, Dastardos presented a darkly comical figure. His lazy eye, his small stature, and his mask's crooked teeth did not help him look intimidating. But when he was angry, he seethed a quiet fury that was practically palpable in the air around him. It was extremely easy to see the raw fury in Dastardos' pale eyes when he was four damn inches away from your face.

"Are you really _that _dim?" Dastardos floated backwards in thought, much to Patch's relief. "I'm the only piñata reaper on the Island." Dastardos rested a bony hand on his chest. "But you sure as hell aren't the only doctor!" Dastardos pointed at Patch with The Whacking Stick. "I've met about ten or twelve other ones in my travels. I just see you most often because we're in the same neighborhood." Dastardos snickered and began circling Patch like a Vulchurro as he spoke. "You can't even compare to those other doctors. They're _much_ busier than you are, and yet they _still_ manage to beat me!" Dastardos tapped his chin in mock thought. "This is…what…only the fourth time you beat me this month?" Dastardos grinned the cockiest grin that Patch had ever seen.

Patch said nothing, but his face reddened even further and he crossed his arms.

"Aww, did I make you mad?" Dastardos taunted, floating closer to Patch again. "GOOD." He spat right in Patch's face before delivering a hard whack to his shoulder. Patch was knocked to the ground, biting his lip and clutching the sore spot, glaring up at Dastardos through his bangs.

"Have a nice day, _Doctor,"_ Dastardos gave Patch a smirk and a little finger wave before soaring off in a swirl of scarves.

As soon as Dastardos was safely out of sight, Leena sucked in a gasp, came pattering out from her hiding place, and began hovering over Patch.

"D-Doctor Patch! Are you okay? I-I'm sorry I couldn't do anything, but I don't have one of those expensive shovels and messing with Dastardos without one is practically _suicide_ and-" Leena dithered until Patch held up a hand to silence her.

"I-I-I'm okay…" Patch staggered to his feet and kneaded his sore shoulder. "M-my pride is hurt more than anything. D-don't worry about me, Leena, it's probably just a b-b-bruise."

"T-that was assault!" Leena wrung her hands. "Does he always do…um…things like that to you?"

Doc Patch nodded. "T-there's nothing I can d-d-do about it. I have no shovel, and the police can't catch a ghost…or whatever he is…" Patch murmured the last part. He was honestly always extremely curious about what exactly Dastardos was. He was a medical anomaly, after all, it wasn't every day you met a person who could float around and brush off every possibly injury. Patch was a doctor; he couldn't help being interested.

Doc Patch packed up his medical kit and headed back to his car. "I saved the p-patient, and that's what's important! It's my j-job to save my patients, no matter the species and whatever the cost. I s-swore an oath, you know."

Leena nodded, but her worried look didn't go away. She brought her hand to her mouth and chewed on the tip of a finger. "I-I'll make sure to keep a closer eye on my piñatas, I promise…t-that was really irresponsible of me…"

Patch shook his head as he climbed into his car. "I-I've seen other gardeners make worse mistakes. N-n-no worries." He gave the nervous gardener his most reassuring smile before taking off in his car.

What Dastardos had said scraped in the back of Doc Patch's mind as he headed back to the clinic.

_I can't be the worst doctor on the Island…_ Patch's grip on the steering wheel tightened. _Dastardos was lying. He's a despicable person…he's barely even a person! I can't trust his opinion!_

Patch swerved to avoid a Fudgehog that had stupidly waddled right into the path of his little car. Patch's head was too full of thoughts to even worry about almost hitting an innocent piñata. This wasn't the only time Dastardos had insulted him, but it was the first time Dastardos actually compared him to other doctors. Since they actually reach their patients first most of the time, they must have more than enough funds to afford a shovel that could hurt Dastardos. Patch had given far too many refunds to angry gardeners who had lost their piñata to Dastardos to even dream about affording one of those shovels. Patch wished he were more assertive, but he was a bit of a pushover. Even if he should be paid for coming all the way to their gardens, he had a hard time saying 'no' to gardeners, especially mad ones…

_Ugh, I think that I just need to vent…_ Patch sighed. _Never thought I'd think this, but I really hope no one's at the clinic when I get back…_


	3. Chapter 3

Doc Patch opened the door to the clinic's waiting room to find it as barren as he had left it. Patch wiped his brow in relief before heading into his office.

Patch approached his many tall storage cabinets that lined a wall. Each one had a label stuck on it that said what they contained. Patch liked to overstock on medical supplies; the fewer things he had to worry about, the better.

Each cabinet was clearly marked. Bandages, medicine, pills, patient files, medical books…he stopped in front of one cabinet that was quite a bit larger than the others and was marked _Private Research._

Doc Patch took off his cumbersome monkey helmet and placed it onto his nearby desk. He flicked his hair out of his eyes, took a deep breath, and flung open the cabinet's heavy doors.

The local gossips would absolutely _kill_ to have a look at all of the information Patch had hidden in this closet. Patch had framed newspaper articles about Dastardos, several blurry photos of him, even a piece of his beloved scarf and a lock of his hair. Several scribbly notes were stuck all over the inside as well. On the cabinet's only shelf were several pieces of Sour Candy that Patch occasionally studied, a large jar labeled 'SHOVEL FUND' with a meager amount of Chocolate Coins inside, and even a replica of Dastardos' weapon of choice.

Patch grabbed a pen off his desk and clicked it, looking at the tally of his and Dastardos' victories tacked underneath the framed news articles. Patch added a mark to the meager amount underneath his name and his brow creased when he saw just how far behind he was.

"I really _am _the worst doctor on the island…" Patch's voice caught and he tore at his hair. "I'm completely worthless! With this track record, it's a miracle anyone in this town even takes me seriously!" Patch glared and pounded a fist against the largest photo of Dastardos he had. "This is all _your_ fault, you _bastard!_ If you hadn't reared your ugly head, this island would be a better place!"

Patch scoffed and folded his arms, pacing around in front of the open cabinet. "People wouldn't have to worry about you trespassing on their land to break their piñatas…or in their homes! I _know_ you go after domestic piñatas, too! No one knows how you do it; they just wake up in the morning to find their beloved Barkbark is just a pile of pale confetti on the living room rug!" Patch's voice cracked and his expression became sullen. He couldn't even imagine how it felt to find your beloved piñata in such a state…Dastardos was _heartless!_

Doc Patch pointed at the large photo accusingly. "How do you even do that? What _are _you? You aren't normal. _Normal_ people can't brush off a knife planted in the middle of their forehead!" Patch's eyes wandered over to one of the news articles, which included an account from a particularly short-tempered gardener who claimed to have tried to spear a knife right into the skull of the reaper, but Dastardos didn't even flinch and had batted the gardener away like they were an annoying Taffly.

That wasn't the first incident like that, either. Gardeners have attempted to beat Dastardos down with their shovels, their fists, or their larger piñatas. Dastardos never even flinched when faced with bodily harm that would leave a normal person writhing on the ground. The only things that could hurt him were those ugly, ridiculously expensive shovels that were made in his likeness, and even then, the wounds from those would be completely healed the next time he went out reaping.

"You're an inhuman _monster,_" Patch spat at the photo, a few flecks of saliva flying out of his mouth and landing square in the middle of Dastardos' smirking mask. "It's almost fascinating, how you can have such a nonchalant attitude about practically being dead and murdering innocent piñata."

It was far from 'almost' fascinating to Patch. The cabinet he had dedicated to his 'arch-enemy' proved it. He couldn't get through a day without his thoughts turning to the reaper at least three times. Whenever Patch thought of Dastardos, his heart sped up and his hands clenched into fists. He wished he had the guts to give the bastard a piece of his mind…!

"I'm not a bad person," Patch shook his head, his bangs shifting to cover one of his eyes. "I try to be kind and see the good in everyone…then YOU came along!" Patch threw up his hands in exasperation. "I hate _everything_ about you! I hate your complete disregard for the feelings of others, I hate your twisted mask, and I _hate_ that stupid laugh you do whenever you insult someone!"

Dastardos was very good at pushing the buttons of pretty much everyone in town. One couldn't attempt to insult him without getting a much better insult thrown back in their face. Dastardos probably knew that his comment about Patch being the worst doctor on the Island would bother him for a very long time to come. Doc Patch felt his blood boil and rush to his face when he remembered the smug expression on Dastardos' mask earlier in the day.

"God DAMN it, Dastardos!" Patch buried his burning face in his hands. "It's just my luck that the only person in the world I'd like to punch can't be hurt! If only I could actually say all of this to _you_ and not these stupid photos, I'd-"

Patch was interrupted when he heard a loud _DING!_ from the waiting room. His head went flying up from his hands and he felt his heart drop right into his stomach. His mouth arced downward into an enormous frown. _Someone was HERE. Someone could have HEARD HIM._ Patch's heart began pounding at a speed that he didn't know was physically possible.

_Calm down, Patch, they could have just walked in a second ago…_ Patch moved stiffly as he fixed his monkey hat back into its place on his head. He slowly opened the door to his waiting room and was greeted by Seedos leaning on the counter with his hand still on the bell, his mask splintered into pieces. He had a large wound on his forehead that was dripping an alarming amount of blood down his face. He had most of his mask tucked under one arm and was holding half of it onto his face so he'd remain somewhat decent.

"Sorry I interrupted your episode, Doctor, but I've been sitting here for quite a while. I figured it was high time I got some medical attention once the blood got onto my shirt…" The lower lip of Seedos' exposed mouth jutted out as he looked down at his T-shirt, which now had quite a bit of red among its usual yellow and blue hues.

"Y-you _heard_ m-me?" Patch's eyes bulged and he pulled at his cheeks.

"Loud and clear. It was hard not to…" Seedos paused and licked a bit of blood off of his lips. "You were completely going off in there. Are you okay? You sounded like you were going crazy…" Seedos' last comment was slightly hypocritical.

"Y-you heard the whole t-thing, d-d-didn't you?" Patch's gaze fell to the floor.

"I think so-"

Patch snapped his head back up and his bangs shifted, enabling him to fix Seedos with a surprisingly piercing gaze. "You can't tell _anyone,_ okay? If word got back to D-Dastardos about how much I…_hate_ him…I d-don't know what he would d-do! I-I'll patch you up for fr-free if you promise not to tell anyone!"

"I wasn't going to tell anyway, but okay!" Seedos grinned in spite of his current condition.

Patch sighed and buried his face in his gloves. "I should have known…"

"Relax, Doctor, I'm not Leafos!" Seedos chuckled. "I _promise _I won't tell a soul. I'd cross my heart if my arms weren't full…can you please patch my head now?"

Patch let out a deep sigh. "F-fine. I t-trust you…" If Patch's observations of the local seed merchant were correct, Seedos didn't have too many friends he could confide in outside of his seed collection. Patch silently thanked whatever deity would listen that a local gossip like Leafos or Petula didn't pop into the clinic during his breakdown instead of Seedos. "C-come on, let's fix that head of yours…" Patch slipped an arm around Seedos' shoulders and led him into the clinic. He had this down to a science by now; this was the fifth time he had to bandage this poor kid up in the past two weeks…


	4. Chapter 4

"…And then I told Patch I wouldn't tell a soul, so I figured I could tell _you,_ since I'm pretty sure you don't have one!" Seedos kicked his legs as he burst into a huge bout of laughter. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think he had some kind of crazy crush on you!"

It was around midnight and Seedos had decided pay his older brother a visit. The two of them were seated on Dastardos' ratty couch, Dastardos' pet Macaraccoon Magnar snoozing between them with his head resting against Dastardos' thigh. Seedos couldn't resist telling his brother about what happened today; it was just too weird!

Dastardos said nothing for a good long while, his unfocused eyes bulging and his jaw slack.

"Um…" Seedos waved his hand in front of Dastardos' face. "Are you okay, bro?" Seedos' expression suddenly fell and he withdrew his hand in horror. "You aren't going to _kill_ Doctor Patch, are you? _Please_ don't kill Patch!"

"Relax, I'm not going to _kill_ him," Dastardos finally found his voice. "Besides, if word got back to me, and only me, he'd know about our little secret…" Dastardos scratched his tangled mess of silver hair. "I'm…not too sure how to react to this news. On one hand, I'm really disgusted that he's practically _obsessed_ with me…"

"'Practically obsessed' is an understatement…" Seedos murmured.

"But on the other hand, I think it's _hilarious _how much I'm able to get to him, heh!" Dastardos snickered and relaxed a bit. "But I'm _still_ really creeped out. Why'd you have to tell me about this? I don't think I'll be able to take that moron seriously ever again!" Dastardos stiffened again and he wrung his scarf around.

"Did you even take him seriously in the first place?" Seedos asked, tilting his head to the side.

"…good point." Dastardos sighed and slumped over, making a mental note to never get too close to Doctor Patchingo ever again. The memory that they were within kissing distance that morning made Dastardos' stomach turn.

Seedos' brows shot upwards. "You don't feel the same way, do you…?"

"No, no! Never! Don't even _suggest_ such a disgusting thing!" Dastardos' raised voice and newly defensive posture woke up Magnar, who pouted at his owner before slinking off to a dark corner. "I just _hate_ Patch, plain and simple! I don't _care_ about his personal life, certainly not enough to keep several photos of him!" Dastardos shuddered audibly. That part of Seedos' story creeped him out the most.

"Okay, okay, calm down, spaz!" Seedos held up his hands and Dastardos shot him a flat glare.

"Next time I run into him, I'm going to break his teeth…" Dastardos summoned The Whacking Stick and gave it a test swing, smirking all the while.

"I thought you said-!" Seedos protested, leaning back as soon as he saw Dastardos' weapon.

"I said I wouldn't _kill_ him," Dastardos cocked a brow and his smirk broadened. "He just needs to know I'm a force to be feared."

"If you say so…" Seedos subtly scooted away from his brother, making a mental note to never get on his bad side.


End file.
